Chuck E Cheese catastrophe

Are Chuck E. Cheese’s pizzas really as fresh as claimed?

Michael Marquess, Cover Editor, Co-Art Editor

Amidst a flurry of allegations of health code violations, the lovable little mouse of Chuck E. Cheese Entertainment will squeak clean no more.

According to a new wave of social media influencers, the uneven slices of pizza served at local establishments point to a shady business practice that undermines the establishment’s promise of pizza that is “always fresh and never frozen.”

While the conspiracy has been floating around the internet for at least a decade, popular social media influencer Shane Dawson has rekindled the fireball of suspicion pointed at Chuck E. Cheese’s peculiar pizza slices.

Titled Investigating Conspiracies with Shane Dawson, the video chronicles Mr. Dawson and his friends discussing and “investigating” several trending conspiracy theories. In the video, Dawson attempts to tackle the mysterious phenomenon of Chuck E. Cheese’s uneven crust. A normal pizza pie is cooked in its pristine, circular way, a common tradition in pizza culture. The crust at Chuck E. Cheese are uneven; some slices are suspiciously shorter than others, creating an unsettling mien. Many theorists have taken this as a telltale sign that certain stores are presenting certain slices of leftover pizza as “fresh,” creating a dubious Frankenstein’s monster of a pizza, stitched together from the remains of its deceased pizza brethren.

According to the video, Dawson and his posse infiltrate their local Chuck E. Cheese establishment, where they are aghast to find that their pizza is indeed unevenly assorted, so much so that Dawson takes the pizza home to perform an in-depth analysis of the pizza’s size and proportions. Although the video never gives a conclusive answer to the theory, it is strongly implied that the rumors could be true.

To get to the bottom of the mystery once and for all, it seemed obvious that I had to try it myself. The closest Chuck E. Cheese was located in Lynnwood, from which I had my food delivered. One large cheese pizza later, I can’t concretely conclude anything about the conspiracy theory, but can vouch that the Lynnwood location serves somewhat “safe” pizza. Reminiscent of New York pizza, the greasy slices delivered the indulgent cheesiness that the establishment is famous for. Personally, I felt that the dough was a tad too thick for comfort, and it overwhelmed the natural balance of the pizza. Although the center of the pie was acceptably chewy, the outer rim of the crust would become thick and brittle, breaking between teeth like shards of glass. The cheese was browned perfectly, but would frequently slide off the pizza in patches. The most surprising thing about the pizza was the seasoning in its crust, that frankly, came across as a bit of an overkill.

Overall, Chuck E. Cheese pizza strikes me as some greasy, cheap fun. It brings back the good old days of childhood and unbridled consumerism that we’re now too old to take pleasure from. Good cheese, questionable crust, and a fun backstory. 4 out of 10.