Let’s be real here: quarantine has made us all go crazy. So when it came time to determine what I would like to write about for this month’s ~online exclusive~ issue of The Catamount, naturally I wanted to write about something that would be interesting and fun, something that would pull people out of the quarantine miseries, something that all of us living in the great state of Washington would care about — apples. 

For those of you who are not aware, I am an apple enthusiast. Apples take the number one spot on my top ten favorite fruits and are high on the list of top ten favorite foods. However, not all apples are created equally. I have decided that as an apple enthusiast, it is my duty to inform the public about which apple is the GOAT and which deserves to never be sold in stores again. Obviously, my opinions are the only valid opinions and any differing opinions are wrong. So, let’s get started!

The Granny Smith:

The first apple I tested was the Granny Smith apple. Now, this apple had a solid crunch when it was bitten into. The taste was okay; however, it was pretty tart. It did have a solid amount of juice, though. The biggest factor that put me off with the Granny Smith was its tough skin. Trying to chew through the green peel was somewhat difficult and immediately whatever good tastes I was enjoying from the initial bite. However, the color of the apple was gorgeous. The shade of green was very appealing to the eye. 3/5

The Golden Delicious:

Next up was the Golden Delicious apple. The name, however, is completely deceiving. This apple was anything but delicious. First off, the crunch was not very satisfying. The coloring of this apple was also not very nice to look at. It was a putrid yellow-green with black spots that seemed to almost resemble mold spots. By far the most off-putting part of the apple was its skin. Chewing through the skin felt like chewing through a piece of cardboard and its taste was even worse. In fact, I might rather chew on some cardboard. The overall taste of the apple was extremely bland and watery. It tasted like a non-carbonated, sweeter La Croix. 1/5 

The Opal:

I had high hopes for the Opal apple after a discussion with Bothell’s own Mr. Patrick Holmes, who claimed it was the best apple. After trying the apple, however, I came to realize this was a false claim. While it was sweeter than the two previous apples, it also tasted very chalky and it was missing the juiciness that should come with any fruit. It was almost completely dry. The skin had the same terrible texture as the Golden Delicious. While its color was slightly more appealing than the Golden Delicious, apples should be either a shade of red or green — yellow apples are extremely off-putting. 1/5

The Ambrosia:

The Ambrosia apple was not one I had heard of until I went to the grocery store to buy every different type of apple they carried; however, as The Catamount’s resident apple enthusiast, I was excited to try something new. The first thing that struck me was the apple was very sweet. Other than that, it just had the generic apple taste. Nothing too special about it. However, it’s coloring was fantastic. It looks like an apple straight out of a pumpkin patch fall photoshoot. 3.5/5

The Pink Lady:

Fun fact: the Pink Lady apple was elementary school me’s first choice in apples. I was excited to try it once again. Right off the bat, the color was immaculate. The shade of reddish-pink was quite beautiful and awesome. It also had that perfect crunch one desires in a perfect apple. However, it was not as sweet as I was hoping it would be, falling more on the sour and tangy side of the apple spectrum. The skin was also a little tougher than would be preferable, but overall it was a solid apple. 3/5 

The Honeycrisp:

Now, I’ve tried my best to stay completely unbiased with my apple ratings so far; however, this one might be a little tougher. Currently, the Honeycrisp is my go-to apple. But, in the spirit of fairness, I did try it in the same fashion I tried every other apple. Of course, the coloring was quite good, though not as good as the Pink Lady. However, the apple made up for that factor in other areas. First off, the crunch of this apple is truly the greatest of all the apples. It makes an audible sound that can be heard throughout the room. Immediately after one of the most satisfying crunches, the sweet juices that took over my taste buds were spectacular. So much flavor in such a small bite. Truly an inspirational apple that all other apples should strive to be like. 5/5

The Red Delicious:

I mean, where do I even begin? The people that enjoy a Red “Delicious” apple also probably enjoy eating rat poison or licking dirt. The taste of this “apple” is hands down the most disgusting taste the human race will ever know. There was no juice at all. The inside texture is extremely chalky. The skin was so unbelievably overpowering to any other taste. Chewing through the skin felt like chewing through cardboard coated in lead paint. Not only does it have a bad taste, but it looks as though it has been doused in chemicals three times a day for four hours — in other words, it looks completely artificial. The inside of an apple should not be green and no apple has any business being that dark red. It looks like it belongs in the house of an evil billionaire as a decoration. Only a psychopath would enjoy this disgrace to the apple name. 0/5 

The Jazz:

The first thing one might notice about the Jazz apple is its unique shape. While most apples are short and wide, the Jazz was quite tall and skinny. The apple was also a beautiful shade of red-orange. However, as soon as I took a bite, it was an immediate let down. The crunch factor was just not there. Nothing about it was satisfying. The apple was extremely mealy and watered down, and had almost no sweet tasting juices. It tasted closer to that of a pear — a pear that had been stuck at the bottom of a grocery store shelf for months. 1/5 

The Gala:

At first glance, the Gala apple seems like a standard apple. Nothing screams “I’m special” or “I’m the best apple”. Pretty generic. After tasting the apple, I learned that it was exactly what it looked like — a generic apple. The crunch was pretty good; however, the apple did not have a very good flavor. In fact, it tasted more like the texture of the inside of the apple than what an apple should taste like. 3/5 

The Fuji:

What initially caught my eye with the Fuji apple was its beautiful coloring. It had that same pinky tone as the Pink Lady. Upon taking a bite, I learned just how spectacular this apple is. It had everything — the perfect sounding crunch, the sweet juices, just overall a fantastic and incredible apple. This apple left me speechless. Only one word to describe such an apple: Wow. 5/5

The Envy:

Another apple I had yet to hear of until this article was the Envy apple. Now the name drew me in with a false sense of security that this was going to be such an amazing apple that all other apples are envious. This was certainly the case for the shade of the apple. The red of this apple was otherworldly. Sadly, that is where the good review ends. There was way too much crunch. Now, the crunch of an apple is so important and you need that initial crunch in order to be satisfied. But after that first crunch, you should not hear it the rest of your time spent chewing. It is extremely off-putting how loud this apple was while I was eating it. Its loudness took away from the good tastes of the apple. Another terrible aspect of the Envy apple was that its skin tasted much like the Red Delicious apple, which is to say that it was terrible. 1/5 

The Jonagold:

The second to last apple on the table today was the Jonagold. Nothing really stood out to me about this apple. It looked pretty standard and seemed like it could get lost in a pile of random apples. It did not even taste that good. It was super mealy, did not have a great crunch, and do not even get me started on the skin. The skin of an apple should not have a unique taste, it should fit in with the rest of the apple. The skin of the Jonagold apple has that unique taste that throws the entire apple out of whack. 1/5 

The Cameo:

Our final apple was the Cameo apple. Right away, this apple did not look good in the slightest. It looked rotten. The apple was brown! Apples should not be brown! After reluctantly biting down on this putrid looking apple, I was bombarded with so many tastes. Initially, it was okay. The crunch was nice, the inside was sweet, but the skin? It was like eating bark straight off of a tree. However, the inside was very good. So perhaps, if the skin was peeled off it would be an okay snack. 2/5 

Well, there you have it, folks. The prize for the best apple was a tie between the Honeycrisp and the Fuji apples. So, if you are in the market for apples during your quarantine, do yourself a favor and get yourself one of those two. You deserve it. Until next time Bothell cougars!